Who am I?

Spontaneous or Planner? : I can be either.  I love to randomly hang out with people and do random things with them such as coloring, playing games, walking around, just chatting, and having staring contests.  However, sometimes I do plan things, and if I was really set on doing something specific at that particular time, then I will be annoyed if things don’t go according to plan, that is, if it doesn’t seem like that event will be rescheduled in the near future.  If people decide to do the specific activity say next week, then I will be fine with that and won’t mind the spontaneous change of plans.

            Nice or mean? : I am generally a very nice and caring person.  If you’re my friend, I will care a lot about you.  However, I may be mean sometimes if you have done something to annoy me or piss me off (see the section “Confrontational….” for more details.)  Also, I may joke around sometimes and say things that may seem mean, but I really am just kidding and hope people realize that.  If you every think I’m mad at you or something, go ahead and ask.  I’m not really the cold-shoulder type of person, so I will answer you if you ask me questions even while I’m mad at you.  If I try to give people the cold shoulder, I eventually give up, because I’m tired of waiting to initiate conversations and whatnot.

Introverted or extroverted? : I am usually shy with people I don’t know, and loud with those that I do.  At least, that was the case in the past.  Now, I have conversations with random people all the time and don’t feel that nervous about talking to people.  I used to not be able to talk to guys, with a few exceptions, and I would admire my crushes from afar.  Now, I talk to the guys that I like, and don’t worry about it that much.

Glass half empty or half full?: Neither.  It could be ¾ full, or ¼ full etc.  The amount of liquid in the cup will never be the same.  Sometimes it will be depleted, other times it will be full, to the brim.  Usually it will be somewhere in between.  You just have to accept what you have in your glass, and when you find another source of milk, water or whatever your choice of refreshment may be, that is when you fill it up.

            Likes: People who (are): nice, kind, caring, empathetic, care about the environment, smart, think for themselves, unique, good role models, friendly, spontaneous, understanding, honest, open-minded, and smart.

            Dislikes: People who (are): mean, assholes, jerks, selfish, self-righteous, condescending, close-minded, followers and don’t think for themselves, inconsiderate, think they need alcohol to have fun, do drugs, smoke, litter, text while driving, shun those who are different, spiteful.

            Scorpio: Horoscopes are fun and all that.  Maybe a lot of the traits for a particular zodiac sign match with a person who is that sign.  Maybe they don’t.  I wonder how astrology started.  But anyways, I’m a Scorpio.  Apparently I’m supposed to be Mysterious, Highly Sexual, Passionate, Jealous, Obsessive and/or Compulsive, Flirtatious, Emotional, and have quite a sting, like Intensity, and Contradictions.  Let’s see how I think I compare.  Mysterious….hmmm…..I guess so, I can be really ambiguous at times.  As for sexual, that is definitely true as I’m horny and have  a perverted mind, and I like to read about sex all the time, but I still am a virgin.  What about passionate? Well…I do tend to get really into some things.  Jealous?...yes, especially if I didn’t expect a certain thing to happen to someone else, for example someone that is mean gets invited to something and I don’t.  Obsessive and/or Compulsive?...Well I do get obsessed over guys, and feel the need to know as much as I can about them, so sometimes I compulsively stalk them.

            Straightforward or Vague?: I can be very vague at time because either I don’t want to be obvious, am unsure of something, or am worried about what someone else might think/or say so I say whatever I say with low confidence levels, also I might not care about which choice is picked given multiple choices, and am relying on another person to decide.

            Confrontational or non-confrontational?: I’m generally non-confrontational, and will tend to put up with a lot of crap.  The things that annoy me will bottle up inside, until I get emotional over all of that pent up stuff together.  That craziness could easily be avoided by telling someone when they do something that bothers me.  I guess I’m afraid that they won’t change even if I tell them, and then I’ll just look like a fool who doesn’t matter.

            Moody or calm? : I don’t get as worked up with the little things as I used to.  If something doesn’t go according to plan now, I will just deal with it and get used to it.  Although I do get moody, around my time of the month of course, but also when I’m really hungry and/or my meds wear off, and/or a bunch of things go wrong.

            First impressions: Some people think I’m dumb, because I’m so silly and hyper sometimes, but in actuality, I am really smart.

Coping mechanisms: I cope with things by pretending it isn’t a big deal, and then all of the little things build up and I get depressed or angry.  Luckily, when that happens, I usually end up resolving most of those issues (of course only after I freak out).

Insecurities: I feel insecure about my body all the time.  That is the main reason that I won’t take my clothes off for guys, because I’m too self-conscious.  But I shan't go into that more in depth, because it's too private.
My love life: I’ve never had a real boyfriend (as of Dec 12 2010).  I was asked out in sixth grade by a popular Asian guy, who I realized was cute after he asked me out.  But me and my friends thought he didn’t really like me, and was just asking me out for this game zap, where you write the name of someone on your hand and if you look at your hand, you have to ask them out.  He asked me out a couple times, and this girl in gym class even asked me if I’d go out with him.  I had to say no because I thought it was a joke, and I wasn’t allowed to date.  In eighth grade, I wrote him an anonymous love letter that was incredibly lame.

Oh, in third grade, when I was in the afterschool program, I befriended this Asian first-grade boy.  Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend, and one day gave me a holographic heart necklace with bugs’ bunny characters giving a kiss on the cheek.  So I made him cry, and told him to stop following me.  We never talked again.  Well actually, he was on my bus for one year in middle school.  He picked his nose on the bus, and randomly punched the seat in front of him.

I was never really able to talk to the guys I liked in high school, so I just liked them from afar.  A guy or two almost asked me out during high school, but nothing really happened during then.  During college, I came out of my shell, and was able to talk to guys.  I befriended this black albino dude, and he thought we were in a relationship.  I did not like him that way.  We were on facebook, on adjacent computers, and he sent me a relationship request, and I was about to hit ignore, but he wouldn’t let me.  So I’m like fine let’s be “married” on facebook.  After a month, I took that down.  I would look fickle being in a “marriage” or ‘relationship” with someone for only a couple days, even though it wasn’t really real lol.  One time I let him give me a (fully-clothed) massage lol.

I befriended this attractive and near-genius guy, who was in the pharmacy program.  I had/have a crush on him, and was still able to talk to him easily.  We went to some school events together.  He was my first kiss: we made out.   I was so awkward at first.

What is the meaning of life?: I believe that there’s no one correct answer to this question.  People have been trying to figure this out for ages, and if it were simple, then we would know it already.  To go off on a quick tangent (oxymoronic perhaps), it amused me how in “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” they created a super machine to find out the meaning of life, and after many years of waiting, the answer was “42.”  That is just awesome.  Anyways, back to the meaning of life.  I believe that the meaning of life is different to everyone, in that you give your own life meaning.  You don’t need religion to give your life meaning.  Some people have said that without religion, when you think about things scientifically, it eventually amounts to nihilism, and that you essentially are nothing.  Well if you think that you are nothing, then you are; but if you think that you are something, then you are something.

            I think that the key to finding meaning in your life is to find something that you are passionate about.  Passion gives life meaning.  It gives you a goal, something to work toward in your life.

            How other people view me?: I have no idea how people truly view me.  Ideally, they would view me as smart, funny and kind, but sometimes the way we perceive ourselves is different from the ways others perceive us.  So should we care about what others think about us?  To a point, yes.  But you should never change yourself just to get someone else to like you.  Always be yourself, unless you are heartless, or selfish.  But you should not pretend to be a better person, just to serve yourself.  You should genuinely change for the better, and do it for other people.

            Personally, I used to care too much about what people think about me.  Actually, that shouldn’t even be past tense.  To be honest, I still do care about others’ concepts of me.  I also try and make myself feel like I’m well-liked and popular.  For example, on facebook, I search for events such as “make your facebook status a quote…” or “make your profile picture...” etc. so I feel like I have a lot of events.  I reply maybe to a lot of events that I’m probably not even going to go to, just so I look like I have a lot of events and make myself feel like I have a busy social calendar.  I send a zillion recommendations to people to join these events, so I don’t look silly if I make my facebook profile picture a random cartoon or something. Also, I’m trying to be nice to the people that created the event and only have 150 people attending, because I admire their guts in attempting to make a worldwide event. 

            I think that people think I’m dumb sometimes, because I’m so silly.  The truth is, is that I like to laugh and find many things funny.  I’m smart, but silly.

            Deep or Shallow: I would rather have a person who I have a lot in common with than a person who is just attractive.  That said, I would prefer if the person was attractive, but it’s not the most important thing in the world.

My opinions on religion: First of all, I would like to say that I despise the religious extremists.  They make otherwise generally good religions look bad.  Personally, I don’t believe the stories in the bible actually happened; they’re just stories that teach us a moral or something.  Nobody can truly be sure if there is a god or isn’t, and what form he/she/it is in if in actual existence.  That is one of the great mysteries of life.  How can coincidences and miracles be explained?  Does everything always have to make sense?  I don’t think so.  We always feel like we have to know everything, but we really don’t.

Also, why do religions pit themselves against each other?  It goes against their basic teachings of respect and kindness.  I guess they only see kindness as being something meant for people like them.  The people who use religion in a negative way make it a bad thing.

Self-confidence: If people feel worthless, then they will have very low self-confidence.  They will feel that others perceive them badly.  However, if people are given love, then they will appreciate themselves more and have better self-confidence.  People need compliments and positive feedback to keep them going.  Otherwise, they may that that what they are doing is wrong because they don’t know how others actually view them, and usually assume the worst.

Things I’m bad at: First of all, I’m bad at maintaining relationships, and I’m really bad at calling people.  I never really have phone conversations with people just to talk.

Things I’m good at: I’m good at getting good grades (usually), making people feel welcome, being kind, playing viola, being creative, and recently (in the past two years), talking to random people and making acquaintances at least.